Taxonomy of Music

As a disclaimer, some of this post is intended to be humorous. Don't take it too seriously and don't take any of this as my personal opinion for or against any of these genres. I've tried (maybe unsuccessfully) to keep my opinion of each genre as separate from this as possible.

This is basically my definition for each of the genres of music. I won't claim to be knowledgeable about this so if I've gotten some wrong, it's because I probably don't listen to that genre very much and/or don't understand completely what it is. Again, some of these are more facetious than realistic.

Alternative - Incorporates such variety or such a wide range of styles that it doesn't fit neatly into any of them. In one word, unique.

Ambient - Atmospheric, ethereal. Few instruments, limited but just interesting enough to keep you listening. In one word, minimalist.

Bluegrass - Like Mardi Gras, but for music, not food. Jazz, but not quite. In one word, indulgent.

Blues - A fairly standard range of chord progressions which are used to evoke sad, melancholy, or depressed emotions, though those are not the only choices, nor are they always the most prominent. They are simply the most common, and hence, the name. In one word, well, blue.

Classical - Instrumental, symphonic music. Solo piano and orchestral are staples of this genre. If it could be described with one word, I would have attempted to come up with one. But it can't.

Country - A good ol' boy's got a dog, a truck, a woman, and some booze, and he sings about them regularly. The story changes from time to time, but not the subjects of his affection. Not to discount female country singers, of course - the only difference is, no dogs or trucks. They only sing about their feelings, men, and their feelings about men. And sometimes booze. In one word, trailer hitch (that's intentionally neither one word, nor an adjective).

Dubstep - Like techno, but even more repetitive; usually one vocal sample from a famous song repeated every 5 to 10 seconds, with some odd electronic/techno noises in the background. Often combined with other genres. In one word, alien.

Easy Listening - Just simple music, quite a wide variety but usually softer instruments. Jazz is often associated with this genre and the two do go hand-in-hand quite well. In one word, cool.

Electronic - Almost no real instruments or real people playing them; mostly synthesized with lots of effects. In one word, futuristic.

Funk - Rock, with a lot more sweat and head-banging. In one word, loud.

Hip-hop - Party/dance music, stuff that instantly makes you want to start jumping up and down or waving your hands in the air. Basic tenets are: an infectious beat; lots of different instruments and sounds happening all at once; and a touch of crazy. In one word, contagious.

Jazz - Swing, a certain vibe and character to the music that can be achieved with very few instruments and even the simplest of melodies. The moods can vary, but the basic idea is smooth, flowing, and glossy. Jazz works well as either fast and energetic, or slow and pensive. In one word, sleek.

Opera - Always singing, commonly with an orchestra. It is an acquired taste (meaning you can't just listen to it the first time and like it, it has to grow on you) but once you "get it" there is nothing better. Singers that can do opera justice have the strongest voices there are. In one word, grandiose.

Pop - Halfway between hip-hop and rock, with a greater variety of sound/instrument choices and more interesting melodies. Usually has a very intense, pulsating drum beat. In one word, sharp.

R&B - Rock & Blues? Reggae & Bluegrass? Your guess is as good as mine. In one word: soul.

Ragtime - Music to work to? Always a lively tune and a catchy melody, but simple, and with an air of light-heartedness. Of course, if you're working, then who's playing the music? And if you're playing the music, then who's working? In one word: funny.

Rap - Poetry with a beat and an attitude; slightly musical poetry delivered in an intense way. Sometimes quite repetitive, and often with darker themes and moods. In one word: happenin'.

Reggae - I haven't the foggiest idea what this is (nor why I've included it).

Rock - The most standard or recognizable type of modern music; usually has guitars, a solid drum beat, and vocals, with a very high-energy vibe. Think guitar hero. In one word, energetic.

Rock & Roll - Like rock but less intense and more dramatic. (The two are very similar)

Techno - Like electronic but a lot less interesting; the whole song is basically the 30-second sample on iTunes, repeated several times, with a minor change here or there to spice things up. In one word: repetitive.